


it's nice to have a friend

by lunarletters



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Childhood Friends, Eventual Smut, First Time, First Time Blow Jobs, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Loss of Virginity, Louis is 16, M/M, Mostly Fluff, Recreational Drug Use, SORRY I FORGOT, harry is 15, just weed and in one scene, louis has a gf, one scene has a slight dub-con, one scene has slight dub-con, the other boys aren't here, there's one het sex scene, what else do you tag??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:34:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23595415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunarletters/pseuds/lunarletters
Summary: Title from Taylor Swift's song 'It's nice to have a friend'Harry and Louis shared every first since the day they played pirates in the park, until teenage years bring intimate firsts to ghe game, it's hard to stop the tradition now.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 8
Kudos: 92





	it's nice to have a friend

**Author's Note:**

> Giving credit where it's due, I'd like to thank @xmutualrespect on twitter for playing the gif game and replying with two photos of fetus larry which made come up with this plot. Also thank you Simon for helping me figure out the UK school system!  
> Huge thanks and love go to Rob for being there from the start, keeping up with and motivating me, Kev helping me when I was close to having a breakdown and Pia for assuring me and my insecureties it was up there with other fics, I appreciate all of you. <3  
> Lastly I wanna add this is my first actual, finished fic which means I'm very anxious to share with all of you. I put a ton of time into it and hope you enjoy reading it as much as I've enjoyed. You can find me on twitter @moonlitxlarry

Harry and Louis met at a park. It was a sunny summer day and a seven years old, shorts clad, tan and hyper Louis run straight into six years old, pale, drenched in sunscreen and sweat Harry. They looked at each other in horror, Louis waiting for the curly little boy in front of him to start crying and Harry waiting for this clearly bigger kid to yell at him for being a clumsy baby like his sister often did. They did neither. „Whoops, my bad, I'm sorry!“

„It's okay, hi,“ Harry replied, smiling with dimples and small bunny theeth. „'m Harry.“

„I'm Louis! Wanna play pirates?“ The tanned boy asked, already up and dusting his green shorts.

„I've never played pirates!! Is it hard?“ Harry was scared of new things, he's always been that way.. diving into the unknown? Not his thing.

„Neither did I, it's my first time with new friends! We can try togheter?“ Louis explained, voice high pitched and excited. Harry immediately understood this big boy in front of him definetly was the polar opposite. He nodded with a bit of a heavy heart and grabbed Louis' hand.

So they played pirates, togheter, for the first time. It turned out to be a very fun game of running, yelling and pretend fighting. At one point Harry fell and scratched his knee on a pointy rock which led the group of rowdy boys to stop the game, Louis acting as the leader and running to call his mother who knew excatly how to help. Harry likes to think they became best friends that day, when the older boy grabbed his hand as Jay sprayed a stinging antiseptic solution on his wounded knees. They locked eyes and, as Harry likes to tell this story, their souls blended togheter.

A week after their first encounter they met again, at the local primary school. Harry was just starting his second grade and Louis was in his third, and when they saw each other right by the entrance, they hugged like they've known each other much longer. That day they decided to try the new cafeteria food togheter. It was pretty bad, Harry remembers, but it was a fun experience. Apart from the stomach ache that ensued the period after lunch, that was horrible. But they held hand in the nurse's office.

A month filled of playing and spending time togheter, families meeting and befriending each other too, they did their first sleep-over togheter. And, as Gemma had said, it was the typical _kiddie_ stuff, cartoons, crisps and pizza and sneaking two more cans of soda up to Harry's room, staying up later to tell each other stupid stories, they did it all. It still is one of their favourite memories togheter – they've discussed it.

As years passed, they never had to do a new thing alone ever again. Which is why Louis got his nails painted with Harry when they were eight and nine, the latter too scared about the mean boys in his class commenting on it, and Harry started going to attend footie practice with his best friend a year later. Which, is kind of a funny story, since the classes were hosted by a local church and they had to convince their families to become part of the community, even though both weren't religious at all. By the time the coach realized he didn't really see the two boys at services, Harry had figured out his pigeon toes and clumsy figure didn't work well with all the fast drills the sport needed while Louis was happy to try out for his school's team as a striker.

Time went by and they grew up, turning into moody and hormonal teenagers. Of course, first crushes ensued which led them to practice a date togheter before Louis asked his crush out when he was twelve. They went to a newly opened ice cream shop and used half of their allowance money for a sugary treat before going on a walk in the park, holding hands and staying close. It didn't feel one bit weird, it was a thing all friends did, as they knew it. Thanks to that, Louis' first date went great. He knew how just the right amout of money he needed for two cones and how to hold hands without his any cramping, how close was 'too close' and how to end the night right: with a nice kiss on the cheek in front of the girl's porch. It didn't matter said girl started ignoring him afterwards – he didn't really care, to be honest. And in his heart, he preferred his date with Harry, even if it was a little awkward when their sticky, ice cream covered hands locked and his date tripped on a tree branch in the park. That date was worlds better than the one with the girl.

Louis is sixteen and Harry fifteen when Louis finally decides to ask Hannah to be his girlfriend. She's one lovely, tall girl with bright blue eyes and a kind smile. As with each and every new things he's got to do, Louis turns to Harry to find the right words. It is his first girlfriend after all..

„No, no, Lou! You should mention her eyes, or her smile, or the way she makes you feel, don't jump straight into it.“ He repriminds, a small pout on his plump, cherry coloured lips.

Louis, frustrated and impatient to just call the girl he had feelings for his girlfriend, huffs out. He's gone on dates with three girls so far in his life. The first girl ignored him, the second girl said she actually had a crush on his friend Calvin and the third was Hannah, and she is very nice, she likes chocolate ice cream and wear a peach flavoured lipgloss, and she even asked to go the skate park to see him rolling on the board (even though Louis is pretty terrible at it). So he asks Harry what exactly should he say to woo her into his arms. „Like.. Just-„ He breathes in and out, closeing his eyes before he can talk again, „I love the way your eyes twinkle in the sunlight.. the blue catches all those little sparkles..“ His high voice breaks a little, which is common these days, puberty hitting him and his high voice in order to get a deeper timbre. „And the little creases by your eyes when you smile.. they're so.. magical, they look like stars. And the way you make my heart feel.. it soars, it bounces.. You make me the happiest- Hannah, you make a very happy person. I want nothing more than to call you mine.“

„H, that's awesome, you're gonna get all the girls you want!“ Louis gushes, thumbs typing the whole thing in his notes app, afraid to forget. When his best friend doesn't reply, he looks up to see him frowning, „What's wrong, Hazza?“

The curly boy is actively looking at his socks, which are a nice shade of pink with little frills on top. He stole them from his sister, Louis knows that, he always does that. „Louis.. I'm not sure I even like girls..“ he whispers, the whole thing as heavy as a mortal secret. Louis is kind of surprised at first. As a sixteen years old, he is very aware some people have different preferences as for who to love, he just didn't think Harry would be one of those whose preferences were not in the _norm_. But he can also sense Harry is not sure about it, feeling rather insecure about it. He needs to comfort his best friend. So he switches his face into a chipper one and washes away his surprise.

„Well, that's something new.“ He starts, sitting down on the soft matress next to him. „But that's okay. Liking boys is not a bad thing,“ he assures, arm curling around his smaller friend's shoulder. Harry even if he's fourteen, still looks a little kid with fluffy curls and baby cheeks, and although his voice just started changing, his legs are still hairless and he still has the baby tummy Louis knows his younger sisters have too. He finds it cute. „I can find you a super cool boyfriend, you'll see!“

„I don't need you to find me a boyfriend, silly!“ Harry giggles slightly, fingers fisting his friend's shirt. His soft face scrunches up all at once and with a gasp he asks, „Wait! What if- what if Hannah wants a kiss?“

„Only on the second date?! Isn't that fast? They always wait the third, don't they?“ Louis answers with a question, a bubble of panic forming behind his belly button. He isn't scared of new things, but he's been trying new things with Harry his whole life, and Louis absolutely _hates_ changes. So this whole first kiss thing will turn out as an absolute shitshow, if he can't practice with Harry first. Which.. would be weird.

„I can- wanna practice..?“ his friend whispers. And- if Louis says yes he's going to kiss a _boy_. A _boy_ he's seen do the most embarassing things ever, like eating glue, and with whom he did who-can-pee-farther competitions with. But this _boy_ is also Harry, the one person that knows all of his secrets and keeps them safe in his little, kind heart. This is _his_ Harry. So he says yes with clammy hands and a nervous smile.

Harry shifts his body, dialing his heart in line with Louis'. His small hands find themselves on Louis' tighs, his quads twitching at the soft touch, still sore from this morning's drills practice. The younger boy's face inches closer, until the curl that always falls on his eyes tickles Louis' brow. Out of habit, he raises his hand and brushes it out, away from his face, and decides it makes sense to leave it there, cradling his cheekbone and ear – which, really, is sort of an uncomfortable position. He feels Harry's textured skin prickling his palm and his ear is hot and pink, giving away his embarassment. He closes his eyes when he sees the boy in front of him do it too, and lets their lips touch. They stay right there, not moving nor breathing, and it seems their hearts also stop beating for five whole seconds, and then Harry moves away slightly before diving in again. Their second kiss is more of a bruising one, their lips move in a rythm of their own. Louis likes it. He likes kissing [Harry] a lot.

A few minutes later they're gasping for air. Louis is sweaty and feels hot all over, Harry's lips are now the colour of sour cherries, dark red and obscenely plump. „I'm- Wow-„ He whispers, touching his lips. „Yeah, I am SO gay,“ he giggles, getting up from the bed. Louis looks at him in pure shock, he can still feel his spine tingle and, in all honesty, his cock got interested halfway through the kissing too, which he quickly covers with a decorative pillow laying on Harry's floor. „And Lou, you're good! Hannah will fall on her kness just for you,“ He giggles again, happy and content. „God, I'm gay.“

_What if I am too?_ Louis dares to ask himself. _No, impossible, I like Hannah_. That's the only answer he accepts.

**\- ~ -**

The weeks following their feverish kiss and Louis getting a girlfriend the day after, are chaotic and fast. Louis busy with year 11 lectures and enormous amout of homework, Harry turning into a moody teenager too angry for his own good. Louis kissess Hannah a total of four times, none of them feel as good as it did with Harry, but she also doesn't have plush lips like his best friend, and she's very new to this whole kissing thing. (Louis isn't, because he kissed Harry before, oviously.) They barely talk to each other, a little on the bus and a little at night through text, but they're still there for each other.

The boys decide meet up at the park they met at, which is almost a halfawy point between their neighbourhoods, on a sunny Friday afternoon. Louis has cigarettes he had his older cousin buy in his back pocket, and is ready to light one up with Harry. First cigarette experience and all. His friend comes ten minutes later than the time they agreed on, wearing a black jumper and black sweatpants. He has those ridicolous leather bracalets he started wearing before Christmas around his wrists. His nose is a little red because, Louis knows, March brings his allergies to life. „Hey,“ Harry says, sitting down next to him. Louis choose to sit underneath a cherry tree that's slowly blossoming. „My mum got mad at me for leaving.. can I come to yours after this?“

„Yeah, but Hannah's coming over so like.. you'll stay with Lottie and Fiz?“ Louis doesn't want to be an asshole, he knows very well Harry hates arguing with his mother, since they're very close, but he also has to put his girlfriend first. He guesses, at least.

His face falls, curls falling in his eyes as he tilts his head down. „I'll just call Luke then, it's okay.“ Harry sighs like he's got the weight of his whole world on his shoulders. „Let's just- let's get this over with.“

Their first cigarette is disgusting. Louis hates the taste of stale tobacco on his tongue, his throat burns and he's pretty sure he's not doing this right. Harry gives up after four drags, saying smoking is not for him while Louis forces himself to finish the thing. Once the damn thing is done, he feels a wave of nausea hit him as he puts what's left of the cig out. „Well that was just.. horrible.“

„Agreed.. and you smell so bad now. Want gum?“ Harry asks, already getting his pack out. Louis nods and gratefully accepts it. „So how's your relationship going..?“

Louis shurgs, chewing the sugary thing until it gets to the right texture, „It's weird. Hannah wants kiss me with her tongue but like.. I'm good at our normal kisses, and I don't know if I'd be good at the whole tongue thing.“ He looks to his right to see Harry looking up at him. „Wanna.. try?“

„Practicing french kisses?“ Harry asks, his slumped shoulders rolling into a straight position. He looks happier after hearing the proposition. „Yeah, why not,“

Their second kiss is a lot less awkward and a lot more insecure in equal measure. Harry suggets straddling him so they're more comfortable, and he agrees. His best friend's bum is on his thighs, his legs are spread on either side of his waist, and he looks ready to try this new thing. They spit out their gums and Louis brings his left arm around Harry's soft waist, urging him a little closer, while his other hand finds his hair. They kiss with their eyes closed, shy tongues lapping at each other. And it's a bad kiss, definetly too much saliva going around, Louis twists his tongue too much while Harry's barely moves. But to them, it's ecstasy. Harry's hips begin a slow grind, going back and forth on top of Louis muscular thighs. He moans in his mouth and the sound rumbles in Louis' chest like the roar of a lion, it boosts his ego. He backs away slowly, Harry chasing his lips with a whine, but Louis can't breathe anymore, he needs a bresk. They're panting and avoiding each other's eyes, Harry's rocking hips coming to a halt. Louis anticipates him saying _'Wow, I'm so gay_ ' again, which, he doesn't. He's trying to catch his breath and struggling, and when he looks up Louis can see he's starting to panic. _Oh shit, I gave him an asthma attack!_

Louis lunges to the side, opening Harry's backpack and getting his inhaler out, bringing it closer to Harry's mouth. „Open your mouth, H, c'mon..“ Harry does, completely in panic, and Louis presses down, getting the medicine in the younger boy's system. It takes another drag of medicine and ten more minutes for Harry to begin breathing again.

„I am such an idiot, wow,“ he's red in the face, his eyes shining with embarassment. Louis finds it extremely cute, and is a little smug he got him so worked up, but says nothing. „I'll never get a boyfriend if I can't snog him properly without almost dying,“

Louis' about to say _'You just need more practice, I'll help you_ ' before realizing he can't, because he's got a girlfriend. And he's not gay, obviously. So he just rubs his hand across Harry's back. His friend collapses forward, head on his shoulder, and they stay like that for the next two hours. Talking in hushed whispers and laughing at some jokes Harry comes up with. Hannah and her visit to the Tomlinsons is long forgotten with the most important person of his life in his arms.

\- ~ -

March comes to an end slowly and April is even slower. It's the first week of May and Louis is stressed. His GSCE exams are around the corner and he's sure he needs to do good, even though he has no idea what his future holds and his coach is killing the team at practices for the last match of the season. Hannah and her wandering hands in the back of the movie theater or when they're sitting on her bed kissing, don't help his stressed and overtired brain. She wants more, she admitted so herself on his bed just a few days ago. Louis knows that means taking things to the next step, one in which they're naked and exploring and he doesn't feel ready to do so, not with her at least.

„So I was thinking.. my parents have a dinner party thing this Friday.. want to come to mine?“ They're sitting in the cafeteria at their own table, which the girl choose during their second week of relationship, and Louis chokes on his spaghetti. „Lou?“

„I.. I'll have to ask- ask my mum.“ His girlfriend sighs at that. „What now?“

„It's just. Am I not sexy enough or something?“ She asks, looking insecure. „I just want to be your girlfriend, like, for real,“

Louis frowns, slightly offended. „Are kisses not boyfriend-girlfriend enough?“

„What? Of course they are. But I want to have sex!“ She's so blunt. Louis likes that about her, he really does, but not in this very moment.

She wants to have sex. On Friday. He doesn't want that. But he has to lie, because he doesn't want to upset Hannah. „I'm, I don't.. I want that too, but.. We've been dating for two months..“

Hannah starts complaining about something but Louis doesn't listen, he's internally panicking now. He makes up a half assed excuse and gets up, kissing her cheek sloppily and running to the library, he knows Harry is there with his nerdy group of friends. He stops right in front of the glass door and he sees it. Harry's friend, Luke, has his hand on his cheek, their faces are close and it looks like they're whispering. None of Harry's other friends are there, which is weird, they're a pretty big group. Louis has his hand on the doorknob ready to open it and spill his guts (and problems) to his best friend, until Harry's lips touch Luke's. And Harry is kissing someone that isn't him.

Louis still, watching the scene unfold, feeling something he hasn't felt in years. And it's oddly close to jealousy.

\- ~ -

Louis' blackberry lights up with another text from Harry, which asks yet again to connect to their online chatting server. He can't bring himself to, yet, too jealous and hurt. His mother comes in the room with a cup of Yorkshire tea and a packet of his favourite tea buiscuits. She always knows when he doesn't feel good, or is upset, or needs a heart to heart.

„You know.. my first heartbreak was.. bad. I had hurt before, I had my heart broken by the death of your grandfather or, for example, by a friend who betrayed me. It all hurt in a similar way. But the end of a relationship is.. different. You date people and you spend time with them but you never really get to know them.. and when they show their true colors it's not easy to accept.“

„I didn't break up with Hannah.“ Louis clarifies, thinking his mother must have thought that was wrong.

Jay's smile is bittersweet. „I thought you had a fight with Harry.“

And Louis has no idea why she'd talk about a relationship kind of heartbreak, then. „It wasn't really a fight. I saw him do something and.. I don't know why I feel this way, mum.. Maybe because Harry's always been.. mine. You know? I've never had to share him.. and now someone else is- he's someone else's.“

Johannah looks at him with kind eyes, she's cradling her own mug like a newborn's baby head and her the tone of her voice is soft as if she wants to lull said baby to sleep. „Harry is fifteen, honey, he just went into puberty. He's searching himself, he needs new experiences, with new people and-„

„He has me to do new eperiences with!“ Louis interrupts her, indignant. „Am I not enough..?“

His mother looks at him with understanding, lower lip pulled tight by white teeth. „You are enough. But as you're growing up.. you can't be each other's firsts for everything, Lou. You need to let go, learn how to survive on your own.“

Louis nods, although he can't imagine doing that. Harry's been a constant in his life for the past nine years, he can't change that. „I'll try.“ Even though he won't. Johannah squeezes his knee firmly before grabbing his empty cup, leaving to let him to sleep. When Louis can't hear her steps on the first floor anymore he grabs his old laptop and logs into the messaging server. **HazzaStyles0102** is online, his screen tells him. He decides to message him and settle things.

**Tommo28** : so you got yourself a boyfriend?

**HazzaStyles0102:** what?

**Tommo28** : you were kissing luke today.

**HazzaStyles0102** : okay first, how do you know that?

**HazzaStyles0102** : and why does it matter?

**Tommo28** : is he your boyfriend?

**HazzaStyles0102** : he didn't ask

**HazzaStyles0102:** lou, is something wrong? he's a good friend

**Tommo28** : just wanted to know if you've found yourself a boyfriend J

**HazzaStyles0102** : not yet, i think

**Tommo28** : okay...

He can't help the relief flooding his veins reading that. But he pointedly decides to ignore it.

**Tommo28** : i have to go

**Tommo28** : goodnight hazza, see you in the bus

**HazzaStyles0102** : nighty you stinky bastard

**HazzaStyles0102** : love u <3

Louis doesn't fall asleep for another hour and a half. And before he lets himself sleep, he comes to the only logical conclusion – he has to have sex with Hannah on Friday and do at least one first with her. And it seems pretty logical for said first to be this one.. because how would he even have sex with Harry? He's still an [somewhat] innocent kid. And, of course, a _boy_.

\- ~ -

Hannah's house is big and spacious, filled with natural light from the many windows in the living room. When Louis gets there, there's an orange light provided by the sun setting, warming up the couch. Her cat is sleeping soundly in a basket filled with blankets. If he remembers right, his name is Bongo. The cat doesn't like Louis and to be fair, Louis doesn't like him either. He's fat and smelly and scratched him more than once, but in front of Hannah he's head over heels the damn animal.

„Come to my room?“ she asks in a sweet voice, grabbing his hand. Louis follows her with slow steps and a heavy heart. He really, really doesn't want to have sex with this girl. He doesn't think he wants to have sex at all!

They sit on the bed and it only takes Hannah twenty seconds before she takes off her t-shirt, showing off a lacy bra a cup too big for her. Her necklace dangles over Louis' face as she shoves him to lay on the bed, climbing over him. She undresses him all too fast, Louis barely noticing with his brain buzzing from nerves. He reconnects to reality when Hannah yanks his underwear down and kneels between his legs.

And suddenly there's a mouth on his privates. It's weird and Louis' so nervous. „Ouch!“ he moans out when her sharp theeth scratch the sensitive skin. He lays there feeling her tongue all over him and finds himself just _waiting_. Waiting for this whole thing to be over because Hannah's theeth keep marking his cock and it burns. He's extremely relieved when she pulls off, but looking at her face he knows it's not for a good reason. „Lou, am I doing this wrong?“ she looks down and so does he, not understanding. His bits are red, but flaccid. „Why aren't you- excited? Like.. hard?“

He turns pink and looks aways from her face, locking eyes with a poster of Justin Bieber – God, he hates that guy. „Louis?“ Hannah asks once again. „Tell me how can I make you feel good?“

_Just stop_ , he wants to tell her. But he can't. She expecting him to want this. And he should. He's a teenager, most of his friends would kill to have someone else touch their dicks. So he mutters out to just have sex, and he'll fix it. It takes four hands and twenty minutes to get a condom on his soft cock, not even those touches getting anything up. When he tries to 'just put it in', as his girlfriend says, he can't even get the tip in. He's frustrated now. Angry even. But not sure if those emotions are towards the poor girl in front of him or himself. „You know what? No, no I don't want to fucking do this.“ He gets up from bed, getting the tight rubber off and searching for his boxers.

„Louis, what are you-„

„No, no. I'm not doing this. No.“ He gets his t-shirt over his head and zips up his jeans.

Hannah sighs and grabs a blanket from the foot of the bed to cover her pale body. „It's okay- It can happen not to get it up and-„

„I don't care about that, 'An, I really don't care. I don't want to have sex, and apparently even my body doesn't.“ Louis grabs his backpack and shoes. „I'm going home.“

„If you leave we're over!“ she gives him an ultimatum. Louis wishes he cared enough to stay, and maybe he does, but the sole thought of having to try and have sex again soon, makes him walk out from Hannah's house.

He fucked up, he knows.

\- ~ -

Harry's feet dangle from Gemma's bed, pale blue socks slightly touching her carpeted floor. She's painting her toe nails and humming to the radio on the nightstand, she's obsessed with that loud thing. „So Luke's like.. really touchy. He squeezed my bum yesterday.“

„He did what?!“ she looks up from her feet to look at him. „Did you give him permission to do that?“

„We were kissing by the bus stop and the just put his hand there and like.. squeezed.“ Harry chuckles, watching the ceiling. There's a three photos of Gemma's friend group up there and he still doesn't know how she stuck them on.

„And did you feel comfortable with that?“

Harry shurgs. „Not really. I mean.. I don't care, but I'd prefer he didn't do that in public-„ His phone rings loudly, a Shakira song playing. Gemma raises an eyebrow at the ringtone but just shakes his head. It's Louis. „Hi Lou!“

„Haz, can I come over please? I need you,“ he whines, his voice breaking a little. „I'm like a block away.

The boy gets up quicky. „Yeah, yes, of course. You'll stay the night?“ He leaves the room and a confused Gemma behind. When his best friend gives him a positive answer and hangs up he gets his bed ready. He and Louis have shared a bed from the first time they had a sleepover togheter. It's not weird at all, even if the bed got smaller every year, but that just meant they had to cuddle closer.

Louis rings the doorbell a few minutes later and when Harry opens the door he's looking sad, and angry, and he's slightly shivering. „Oh, Lou..“ he hugs the older boy tight, trying to envelope him in all the love and affection he feels. They get inside and immediately head to Harry's room.

„I went to Hannah's,“ the older boy begins to explain, kicking off his shoes. „To have sex-„ Harry's breath gets caught in his throat and he near chokes on the lump of air. _Louis lost his virginity_. „And I.. I just couldn't do it. Literally couldn't even get hard or whatever you're supposed to do,“ _So Louis did not lose his virginity_. Harry breathes again. „She has sharp theeth and got my dick of all scratched. I don't know.. was I supposed to like that? It was so uncomfortable.“

„I.. no, you should like.. try to cover your theeth when you suck cock.“ The fifteen years old finds himself saying. And- he only knows because he's spent one too many nights reading Harry Potter going at it with Draco Malfoy fanfiction. Louis gives him a confused look and he raises his hands, palms facing his friend. „Not that I know it from experience!“

They both lay down on Harry's bed, the sides of their bodies glued togheter. Louis seems sad and Harry doesn't like that. It also doesn't help he's the worst case of people pleaser there is, so he shifts to his side and brings his hand up to Louis' hair, stroking the soft strands. The latter closes his eyes, relasing a muted sigh. „How can I make you feel better?“ Harry asks, his voice a mere whisper again his friend's cheek. A friend he's known and loved for the longest of times.

„Just... kiss me, please?“ he asks, eyes still closed. Harry can only comply, ignoring the fact that Louis has – or had? – a girlfriend, and he's been dating (sort of, not officially) Luke too. They're both cheaters! It gets really hard to think about that when Louis' soft lips touch his own.

He feels the usual tingle at the base of his spine and the small rumble above his belly button, the things his body reserves only and especially for Louis' kissies. It's their third kiss. And it's soft and slow, their tongues, now used to kissing (other people, that is) don't just lap around messily. There's an unspoken rhythm their breaths and lips lead and it's all too beautiful – Harry _almost_ forgets to breathe again. Almost, that is, because like hell he'll ruin another kiss with a stupid asthma attack. He pulls away when the back of his throat feels constricted and breathes out, right on his best friend's face. He's very aware he's half laying on Louis' toned chest, upper bodies piling up. The brunette has opened his beautiful blue eyes, watery and twinkling. His cheeks are flushed and his lips, usually thin and the littles bit plush are swollen and red. They heavily breathe in each other's faces for a minute, eyes locked in a staring contest. There's so many questions Louis is asking with his blue eyes and Harry wishes he'd be able to answer them all. Instead, with oxygen now flowing freely in his body again, he kisses him again.

They make out for the better part of thirty minutes, Harry ending up completely laying over his older friend, Louis' hands wandering around his back. It's soft breathes and hushed voices and lips moving in sync. They end up falling asleep just like that during one of the 'breathing breaks', a mop of curls tucked between Louis' neck and shoulders and arms looped around Harry's waist. It gets uncomfortable past midnight with their jeans scratching against each other at every small movement. They take them off in complete silence, Louis getting rid of his t-shirt too for good measure, and they lay down again, in a near same position.

\- ~ -

Saturday morning breakfast at the Styles' is a big deal and it's Louis favourite thing. There's pancakes and scrambled eggs, sausages, bacon, fresh fruit. There's everything one can wish for and more. Harry is sitting in front of him wearing a dark blue hoodie and a pair of his sister's leggings. His lips are still a shade darker than his usual cherry colour and so pretty. He's hushedly talking with his mother and sister about something Louis can't keep up - too distracted by how pretty his best friend looks.

His mind is going a mile a minute. He kissed Harry yesterday. Not because it was a first, or he needed practice, but because he _wanted_ to. He needed for comfort, he let himself be vulnerable and asked for what he really wanted – a comforting kiss. What's scarier, though, is he slept with an uncomfortable boner that woudln't go away, one that came up with no problem at all, when with Hannah – _a girl!_ – it wouldn't react.

„Lou, dear, want more fresh orange juice?“ Anne asks, a sweet smile on her face and a motherly note in his voice. He nods, barely registering the question. „There you go. Your mum called, she'll pick you up in an hour, is that okay?“ Louis nods again.

When breakfast is done, the two teenagers go to Harry's room. Louis is quietly gathering his things and stuffing in them in his backpack when Harry asks him what's wrong. the guilt in his voice is unbearable. „H, absolutely nothing happened. I promise,“

„But you're acting so weird..“ Harry whispers, looking down at his tiny feet. „Did you not enjoy the kissing yesterday..?“

„I did. You've become a very good kisser, Haz,“ Louis praises, knowing he likes to get compliments and regnition. „But.. I'm not gay. And it wasn't practice or something new.. and you have a boyfriend! And I'm not.. Not gay.“

Harry smiles softly. „ _We're all a little gay inside_.“ He wants to say something, tell Harry it's not his case, that it can't be his case, but Anne calls him downstairs. His mother came to pick him up.

\- ~ -

His phone has three texts. Two of them are from Hannah, one saying they're done, the other telling him to never talk to her again. The third is Harry, asking him to come online tonight to talk. He ignores all three and spends his day in his bed, a GSCE bio prep book open in front of him just to make his mother happy when she checks in on him.

So, Louis might be a little bit gay. And a little bit infatued with Harry. Or he might just be scared of trying new things without him. Does this mean he has to have sex with Harry? Where do things even go when there's two males doing it?

Louis dives into gay porn that night. His hand near blistering. It's definetly a learning experience.

Okay, maybe he's more than a little bit gay. Not that he'll accept it.

\- ~ -

Exams are over soon and so is school. Louis' graduation ceremony is a quick and quiet affair thanks to the rainy weather. Harry gives him a bright blue present bag whispering it's from the whole Styles' family two hours later at the lunch his family organized. The bag contains a small golden box and when Louis opens it, he finds a beautiful watch. „H..“

„You deserve it.“ His best friend says, „You've graduated.. you're a man now, huh?“ he smiles with bunny teeth showing and dimples cratering his cheeks and all Louis feels is guilt. Extreme guilt.

He's ignored Harry ever since their kissing – snogging, really – session the week prior to his exams. A whole month of empty conversations, messagges left on read and pointedly not sitting with Harry on the bus later his curly friend still looks at him with bright eyes full of affection. „I love you.“ He whispers before hugging him tight. Harry mumbles he loves him too with his face squished against Louis' chest. There's still guilt bubbling in the pit of his stomach, and it only gets worse when Harry moans at the taste of the chocolatey dessert Jay served her guests and Louis' pants tighten the tiniest bit.

They climb up the stairs and lay on Louis' bed when the meal is over. „Are you mad at me for kissing you?“ Harry asks after a moment of silence.

„I'm not. I liked it a lot H.. too much for my own comfort actually.“ He admits, voice wavering a bit. „I don't want to be gay,“

„It's not a choice.“ The boy beside him whispers. „That's what Gemma said when I came out to her.“ Louis knew the story, he was with him when it happened anyways, „I think I want to tell my parents too.“

„Do you think if I become gay my mum would mind..?“

Harry huffs. „You either are gay or you are not, idiot. You don't _turn_ , or _become_ gay. And Jay is really great, so I doubt it.“

Louis turns on his side and looks at him. Harry's a little more tan than usual and a there are few freckles dotting his cheeks now, showing he's spent time in the sun, „What if I _am_ gay?“

„Then you are, just like me. You'll find yourself a nice boyfriend, kiss him, have sex with him, marry him. Might adopt children or a dog.. All the regualar things you'd do with a girl, but your partner will have a penis.“

„Do you want that with Luke?“ he cradles his cheek on his palm and looks at Harry, fearing the answer.

„Luke and I aren't dating anymore.“ Harry says, there's a trace of bitterness in his voice. „He's dating some girl now.“

„So.. he's like, bisexual?“

„He's a pig and is after anyone who wants to have sex with him.“

Louis gasps. „You had sex with Luke?!“

„No!“ Harry throws a pillow at his face. „Lou!“

„Then what?“

„I didn't want to and he dumped me.“

What a prick. „I'm sorry, Haz.“ _Not really I am not_.

Harry gets closer. „Can we kiss a little bit?“

The older boy gets out a strangled noise, his chest fills with surprise. „Really?“

„I want to. But promise me you won't ignore me again afterwards,“

„I won't.“ And they kiss.

\- ~ -

Harry and Louis keep kissing everytime they see each other that June. The younger one finding out Louis' weak spot, which is on the neck, and the latter Harry moans in a different way when his hair gets pulled. It never goes beyond a few sly touches and one or three hickeys.

They tan in their usual park and spend their afternoons in their ice cream parlor - Iceland. They never talk about their kisses, they never have another discussion about Louis' sexuality, they barely talk when they aren't kissing anyways.

July rolls around too soon and Harry is going on vacation with his family. For three whole weeks. They're in Harry's garden the night before he departs. Harry's parents are still out having dinner with his grandparents and Gemma's spending the night with her boyfriend.There's a refreshing breeze nipping at their faces and for once their lips aren't locked.

„I'll miss you.“ Harry admits, head nudging his shoulder.

„I'll miss you too. But it's just three weeks. Twenty-one days. Not much..“

„Too much,“ he mumbles, sneaking an arm around his waist. „You'll forget about me.“

Louis laughs. „No, babe.“

Harry moves, lifting his head and getting between Louis' spread legs. „Well.. I wanna do something to make sure you don't forget about me.“

„And what shall that be?“ Louis whispers. Harry's hands wandered down to the zip of his jeans.

„I'm going to blow you.“ Louis chokes on his saliva. „Are you okay with that?“

Louis can only nod – his brain unable to produce words. Harry's hands do a quick work of opening his jeans and getting his cock out, and he's already half hard. For a moment, the image of Hannah and her lips wrapped around his manhood appears in his mind. She did all that and his body could not react but Harry's hands barely touched him and he feels like he's on fire. His body tingles in the special way it always does when his best friend touches him.

Harry's hands are soft and warm, his nails are painted a pastel purple and there are three freckles dotting his right hand. He's got a strong grip but his fingertips leave a light touch, ghosting on his tip. And fuck Louis' aroused. „I've never- Never done this,“ Harry whispers and Louis' almost sick because right now, he looks like a kid. He's fifteen. And he's about to go down on him. „But I've practiced with a cucumber.“ And there's his innocence gone. It leaves a trail Harry's lips follow until they hover over his tip. The summer breeze makes a bouncy curl fall over his forehead so Louis shoves it away, keeping his hand there, fingers rooted in the soft knots. Harry swallows him down slowly, allowing his lenght to get in bit by bit. His theeth only scrape the sensitive skin two times, but it's barely there and Louis feels like there's cotton in his ears. It's all so overwhelmingly good.

The tight wetness around him moves slowly up and down his tip while Harry's hands is jerking him off at the base, faster than the movement of his mouth. „Fuck yeah, H, baby,“ Louis moans up, the grip on his hair tightening. „You're so- so good..“ Louis' three minutes in and he already feels like he's going to explode, burst into a million of tiny little pieces and mix up with the grass he's sitting on. He does, explode, when Harry cheeks hollow right around his tip. Louis' had quite a few orgasms provided by his hand, but it has never been this powerful. He yanks Harry's hair to get him off, and he barely does so when Louis comes all over his chin, the collar of his tank top and the grass beneath. His vision is spotty for a whole minute before he can focus on Harry again. He's swiping the last bit of come off his chin and cleaning it off on his shorts. „You are sinful.“

Harry smirks knowingly and after pulling his boxers in place, he sits in Louis' lap, kissing him with urgency and too much tongue. The older boy barely has time to react when they hear a car coming up right by the fence of the garden. Harry's parents are back.

\- ~ -

„Don't forget about me,“ Harry whispers in his neck, arms around him tightening. His family is waiting in the car, ready to leave for the airport. Louis wishes he could steal one last kiss.

„Haz, I won't. Just go and have fun, okay?“ he has to step away and stuff his hands in his pockets. Harry goes on holiday every summer, and yes, they miss each other, but it has never been like this. They whisper one last goodbye before he climbs inside the vehicle and leaves. Louis walks home alone, the heat sticking sweat to his skin. He sends a text to his friend Calvin and asks if he's free to play some football.

**From Cal** : yes but my cousins are here. they come with me or i cant go...

**To Cal** : fine by me

They meet in the park, Louis brings his trusted football and Calvin two boys their age with him. „This is Aaron,“ he points to the one who looks about Harry's age, „And Eric,“ a tan brunette smiles at him, he's got long, full lashes curtaining caramel coloured eyes. He's hot.

„Hi.. I'm Louis,“ he introduces himself with shortness of breath.

They start playing a few minutes later, Calvin and Aaron in one team, Eric and Louis in another. Calvin is good player, but an even better goalkeeper – as that is (was, now that they've graduated) his role in the school team – so his talent can't really shine through in a game of two against two. His cousin Aaron is fast but not really coordinated, and he often takes ahold of the ball but never really strikes a goal. His brother Eric on the other hand, is a really good and skilled individual. And he's a real hottie drenched in sweat as he hugs Louis tightly after they win.

Louis has no realised he definetly, completely, for sure, is not straight. He knows it, but chooses to ignore it. It works okay, specifically because the only other male he felt attracted to is Harry, until now. Now, it's kind of hard to ignore the great attraction he feels towards this guy. He's eighteen and Cal told him, he drives! He's got sexy eyes and bushy brows, and a stubble. He's a whole ass man, Louis concluded, a hot, sexy, very similar to those daddy guys on his porn, man.“Want to hang out tonight, Lou? Eric brought weed from Birmingham, you have to try it,“ His friend asks while they're walking home, panting and wet from exhaustion. Louis nods, not because he's interested in smoking weed – not after his horrible first cigarette – but to spend a few more hours with Calvin's hot cousin. Just candy for the eyes.

\- ~ -

Louis finds himself enjoying weed a lot more than cigarettes. Eric explained how to really inhale the smoke so it comes down to his lungs, which confirmed hsi theory that his first cigarette was smoked wrong, more with his tongue than anythings else. His throat burns and his head feels empty, not able to think about anything, and his body is lax – it's beautiful and freeing all at once. „What kind did you say this is?“ Calvin slurs out, his eyes are closed and there's maybe two drags left from the blunt in his hand. He had his own, like Eric did, while Louis and the younger cousin – who turns fifteen in two months, he got to know – had to share one since they're first timers (well, Louis is, Aaron not so much).

„A hybrid,“ Eric explains. He seems a lot less affected then the rest of the group. Cal has been smoking for a while, he admitted to Louis he started smoking back in February, so he's not extremely affected, but the stuff's still stronger than what he's used to. „But there's definetly a lot more indica, look at them,“ he tilts his chin towards Louis and Aaron, they're sitting on the couch, Cal's cousin is looking at his hands like they're the most interesting thing in the world while Louis' calm, extremely relaxed body lays slumped against the cushions, he looks – and feels – like he's going to fall asleep any minute.

„Definetly indica.“ Cal laughs and puts whatever's left from his joint out. Louis would ask what the hell they're talking about if he could form words, but his tongue is too relaxed to move, so it stays still in his mouth. „I'll go get some snacks.“

„Take 'Ron with you,“ Eric suggests and helps his brother up. They leave after a few minutes of stumbling around Calvin's garage. „How you feeling, Louis?“ he asks with a sweet voice, sitting down in the place of his brother.

Louis looks at him and his overrelaxed brain just loses his filter. „You're so hot, you're turning me even gayer..“

The teen raises his eyebrows, surprised. „You're gay?“

„Maybe. A little. I had a girlfriend but couldn't get it up then Harry came and sucked my dick and it was really good,“ he spills, not even realising what's leaving his mouth. „But like.. girls are cool. Just not as hot,“

„Maybe you're bisexual. I am.“ Eric gets closer. „So you got your cock sucked?“

„Oh yes, yesterday. It was so good,“

He smirks, getting even closer until their tights are touching. „You're such a little twink. Want to suck mine?“

Louis gasps. „I've never!“

„I'll teach you. And you'll be great, I just know.. Plus the weed in your system will relax your throat, you'll be able to take all of me. Do you want that, Louis?“

In any other situation, he'd definetly say no. Because he's not gay – or, he is, but won't admit it – and that's not Harry, and he only tries new things with Harry. But then again, he's high, his mind can't process all of these things and the only memory that appears in his head right now is his mother's words, „you need to let each other go, learn how to survive on your own“ so he nods. Eric gets up and locks the basement door before sitting back down, and Louis doesn't know when he did so, but his pants are unbuckled and his cock is out. He jerks himself off for a few minutes while Louis' tired eyes watch until he's hard and then looks at him directly in the eyes, „Come sit on your knees, between my legs.“

Louis is kind of excited now, completing the task quickly. Eric's hand in his hair. „Take it your mouth, babe,“ And wow, he's really doing this. He's giving oral sex and it's not Harry. _It's not Harry_. It suddenly feels all too wrong and he almost backs out, but looking up, Eric is giving him a soft smile and the tiniest yank to his hair, „You can do this, Louis.“ So he takes it in his mouth.

It's a funny, funny taste. The tip is already wet with precum and it tastes horrible, but he ignores it and just follows Eric's instructions and moves his mouth up and down, the older boy leading the way with the hand on his head. „Yes. You're so good, good job Louis..“ He makes sure to cover his teeth with his lip just like Harry said he should, sucks on the tip like Harry did and he just thinks of Harry in general. He should be sucking Harry's cock, not this guy's. Well, to be fair, he shouldn't be sucking any cocks..

Eric comes down his throat without any warning, and it feels like swallowing peanut butter. It's thick and has a bland taste and oh God, it's sticking to the walls of his throat. He pulls away and spits it out on the carpet beneath him. „This is disgusting,“ he mumbles. His voice is raw and his throat burns.

„You did really good, Louis,“ Eric pulls him up. „Are you still only a little bit gay?“

„I would've like it more if it was Harry.“ His high brain says. „You taste really bad.“

Eric chuckles, not looking the slightest bit offended and makes him sit aside, walking to the door and pulling up in his pants before unlocking it. It takes Calvin and Aaron seven more minutes before coming back from the store with two Tesco bags full of sugary snacks. Louis falls asleep as they walk towards him.

He's woken up two hours later by his friend, „My parents are back.. you have to go home now.“ He whispers. Louis gets up groggy and his eyes are dry as hell, everytime he blinks it feels like they're grinding on sandpaper. „Lou, please leave..“

„'M going, 'm going.. jeez..“ He says goodbye to Calvin and his parents, his cousins not there anymore, and walks home. So he got high and sucked cock. Why does he feels so guilty?

His phone pings, delivering a text as an answer.

**From Harry** : Got to the resort in Tenerife, I miss you already :(

_I fucked up._

\- ~ -

Harry's having so much fun. He met a group of German kids with whom he plays beach volleyball every afternoon. The food at his hotel is delicious and the water is clear and so, so blue. He's still missing Louis, of course, but they talked twice via the computers in the hall. Gemma made fun of him for using so many hearts, but he really doesn't care. He loves Louis. He's been there for him for forever, through everything, even his first blowjob. Which, by the way, he absolutely rocked. „Hey Harry,“ His new German friend shouts, „Wanna- play?“ his accent is thick but Harry can understand him well enough.

„Sure, let's go,“ he gets up from the beach chair and walks with Elias. His pale back is painfully sunburnt and Harry has no idea how this boy is even moving, but he is flailing his arms around like a madman. „Julia feels better now, I guess?“ he asks when he sees Elias' sister on the sand, the girl had twisted her ankle the day before.

„She's okay, yeah yeah..“ the German boy halts for a second to find the right words, „Just a little.. schowollen?“

„Swollen, yeah,“ Harry nods. He says hi to the group of friends they gathered in the past two weeks and they start playing. Their first match ends in a win for Harry, Julia and Elias' older brother Max. „Wait, wait... uuuh- fünfundzwanzig to achtzehn, yeah, right?“

„Yeah! Gut, Harry!“ Julia claps him on the back.

He's having so much fun, he even forgets about how much he's missing Louis. The group goes to buy a drink as a little refreshment break before starting another match. They sit by the bar to and start talking about their lives back home. Julia clearly has a crush on him, and although he's flattered, he's so very gay he can't feel anything. Still, not to break her young twelve years old heart, he tells her he's got a girlfriend back home.

„What's her.. name?“ she asks, colourful mocktail in hand.

„Just.. Lou.“ He tells her and that seems to be it. And he's missing Louis again. But it's only five more days, and he'll hug him again.

\- ~ -

Louis is so anxious. He feels guilty, and in his heart he knows Harry will be so upset when he'll tell him out he fooled around with Eric. His plane landed an hour ago and he's been sitting on Harry's porch for thirty-five minutes. His hands are clammy and cold and his heart is racing. The Styles' family car pulls up right in front of him and Louis barely has time to process before Harry gets out, his hair curly seemingly longer than when he left. They hug tightly and Harry tilts his head up to kiss his chin. „I've missed you so fucking much, Lou,“ he whispers. _Guilt, so much guilt.._

„I've missed you too, Harry..“ his grip tightens, „I'll leave you to unpack and maybe we can meet up at Iceland? My treat,“

Harry nods, green eyes glowing. „Yes, can't wait, I've been craving Iceland's ice creams..“ he hugs him one last time before getting on the tips of his feet to reach his ear, „And the taste of your lips.“

Louis leaves with flushed cheeks and giddiness in his belly, but guilt still sits heavily on his shoulders. Three long weeks spent avoiding Harry's messages, Calvin's cousins and, well, everyone really, made him realise a couple of things.

Number one, as much as he'd like to keep ignoring and lying to everyone, he's gay, and that won't, can't change. And while he may find some girls okay, funny, attractive even, he can't imagine himself ending up with one for the rest of his life. They're good for friendship, as a distraction even, but not as lifelong partners. That brings him to realisation number two. Harry is not a friend. He is not a simple friend and their relationship can not be defined as a friendship. He doesn't see him like he sees girls. He can see him as the aforementioned lifelong partner. And it's scary. Because as much as he'd like to just accept himself for who he really is and be able to keep Harry in his life forever, he can't and he won't ruin their ten years friendship like this.

\- ~ -

Iceland is a small ice cream shop close to Louis' house. It's open til late at night but that doesn't mean it's popular among the teens of his neighbourhood, which is why they like it. It's their little spot. Harry absolutely loves their milkshakes. He loves them so much, he's tried every flavour and every topping. Still, 'Merry Berry Blast' is his absolute favourite. It's a purple coloured drink and red candy hearts with a big strawberry on top of whipped cream. The drink is sitting in front of Louis as he sits in their usual booth, the one with a window view and a nasty blue stain on the leather bench, waiting for his best friend. Harry comes soon enough, and Louis can take a good look at him now. He's tan and his hair is long enough that the curls that always fall of his face now sit in a tiny ponytail on the top of his head. He's got his usal ugly leather bracalets and some new friendship ones he didn't see before. „Lou! You ordered for me?“ he smiles widely, dimples poking his skin, „Thank you!“

Harry's barely sat down before he's slurping down the cold drink. „Mmmh, I missed this!“ His energy is contagious and Louis finds himself smiling through his nerves.

„Were there no ice cream shops in Tenerife?“

„Not as good as Iceland's, for sure.“ His lips, now red from the cold treat, curl into a smile around the blue straw. „Tell me what you did while missing me? Apart from being absolutely miserable, that is,“

Louis' heart stops. This is it. „I realized I'm gay and it was.. hard.“

„You realized it?“

„I.. Calvin's cousins came to visit him. One of them, he.. was like, bisexual, and-„

Harry gasps, looking at him, „You got yourself a boyfriend?!“ There's a fiery emotion in his eyes, and Louis can't understand whether it's anger, jealousy or sadness. „Are you kidding me?!“

„Haz.. No, I- not a boyfriend. We just.. we did.. something, like, I guess, sexual- but- Okay, to be honest, I gave him a blow job-„

Harry shakes his head, looking distraught, „Was- Am I just an experiment to you?“

Louis' heart shatters. „What? No! Harry, I- Let me explain,“

He's cut off by the younger boy, „I have loved you for.. for years. I gave you my everything. My.. every first, I gave you my every first. And you.. you took it all.“ a tear falls from his green eyes and if Louis felt guilt before, the emotion now grew immeasurably. „I have waited for you to understand it, to find yourself and come back to me. It- I can't believe it was useless waiting. _Uselessly_ loving you.“ He gets up from the stained leather couch and yanks his jean jacket on.

And Harry just said he loves him. He said what Louis feared since the day he realised he could not like girls, not like nyone if not Harry. „You.. You _love_ love me.“

The curly boy breathes in and out wetly. „The way your eyes twinkle when the blue catches the sun.. the little creases by your eyes when you smile.. the way you make me feel – free, happy, safe.. Sound familiar?“ he looks down at him, and the emotion of his eyes is clear now. He's sad.

„Your.. the confession you came up with- for, for Hannah, it was for Hannah,“ Louis whispers.

„It wasn't for Hannah.“ Harry reveals and turns his back to him before walking out of the ice cream shop, and Louis' brain bursts as he's connecting the dots.

It's all clear now. The way Harry's voice broke that spring day, not from puberty but from thick emotion. The way he halted before he said her name, it seemed he got caught up but no, he wanted to tell Louis' name. He wanted to say he would like nothing more than Louis being his. And then there's the way Harry kisses Louis, with tender lips and closed eyes. The way he speaks when it's only him listening, a lower tone, a sincere, clearer voice. And when he hugs him, tight then even tighter then his touch becomes as light as a feather and he sighs out, content with the warmth. And his eyes. They glow and twinkle and are full of love. And fuck, it's _love_ love, not friendship love.

He's got to fix this.

\- ~ -

It's been two weeks and he hasn't, fixed it, that is. It's much harder than what he thought it would be. He wants things to go well, to go right for once, but he's still not sure what he wants to fix. Does he want them to go back to being friends, does he want to start a relationship? He can't start a relationship, though, he's not even out to his family yet – he's barely to himself. And if it all ends bad, he'll not only lose partner, he'll lose his best friend too. He keeps wishing Harry were there with him, reassuring him and telling him it's going to be okay, but he hasn't heard from Harry in weeks, and frankly, Harry proably wouldn't even want to talk to him. Which is fair, even Louis wouldn't want to be around himself right now.

„Lou Lou,“ his sister whispers from the door.

„What, Daisy?“ he huffs out, tired and not in the mood to deal with a kid right now, „What?“

Daisy pouts and her eyes fill with tears. „I don't feel good, Lou Lou..“ she walks up to him and gets on his bed. „Sorry..“

Even more guilt piles up on Louis' shoulders and he hugs his sister to try and relieve the pressure, „Where did mummy go?“

„Store..“ she closes her eyes and her brother feels her forehead, which is positively warm. „Can you cuddle me?“

„Yeah, of course.. Let's cuddle, Dais,“ he smiles down at her.

„Why don't you cuddle Harry no more?“ she asks in a small voice, face pressed against his chest.

Louis' breath hitches slightly, surprised by Daisy's attentiveness, „I hurt Harry's feelings, so I have to fix that before he can come back and cuddle,“

„You should say sorry and give him kisses, he's always happier when you give each other kissies.“

„I- We don't kiss-„

„Yeah you do!“ her little voice raises, „I saw you! You give each other grown up kisses all the time!“

Fuck, fuck, fuck. If Daisy knows, she surely spilled to their mother. „Did you tell mummy that?“

„No, she's always busy..“ she explains in a sad voice, „But Lottie said you are gay togheter.“ Louis' eyebrow touch his hairline, or at least it feels they do and he lets out a shocked gasp. „You know, when I got mad at Kelly last week she wrote me nice notes and hid it in my cubby, and in my shoe, and one I found in my lunch bag. It was nice.“

„That's a really sweet thing she did,“ Louis begins explaining, but Daisy lifts her head to look at him and adds quickly, „You should do that with Harry!“

And the teenager's about to tell her that this kind of thing can't work with grown ups when he remembers Harry tearing up reading birthday card and his soft voice flipping Louis off when he laughed, „ _When someone cares enouugh to sit down and write you a letter, that's someone you should keep in your life_.“

„You know what Daisy-poo, I'll try it. Now let's sleep this sickness off.“

\- ~ -

Harry wakes up to a few sun rays warming up his skin. It's hot he feels like peeling his skin off. He can hear the radio in Gemma's room broadcasting the BBC breakfast show at an unreasonable volume and huffs, getting up from the soft mattress. After brushing his theeth and attempting to tame his hair in the shared bathroom, he makes his way down the stairs and in the kitchen, where his mother has eggs on a pan. „Good morning sweetheart,“

„Mornin' mum, you're making breakfast?“ It's not Saturday.

„Yeah, Robin has a late shift today and I'm off,“ she smiles at him, flipping the eggs. „Louis was here awfully early in the morning. He left a package for you, it's by the door,“

_Louis was here? Why would he?_ „Okay, mummy, thank you.“ He all but runs to the door and there it is. It's a shoebox, wrapped in black collage paper with a sprinkle of glitters on it, and – his little sisters definetly helped him. Harry crouches down and opens it. There's a pair of rubber flip flops inside, the cheap ones he's seen in the local Tesco since May. Louis is an idiot, that's it. He gets one out and is ready to just use it as chewy toy for his cat and throw the other one in the shoes closet before he sees it. There's a piece of dark blue paper nestled between the pair and when he grabs it there's „ _I will make things flip instead of flop, if you forgive me_.“ written in a white. Harry laughs and starts crying all at once. That's the Louis Tomlinson Harry met in a park years and years ago. He brings the letter to his chest and smiles, God has he missed Louis and his goofiness. It's what he fell in love with. The pad of his finger brushes against what feels like raised ink on the back of the note. He turns it around to find another writing. „ _I hid four more notes in five special places of our friendship. Need a clue? 6 and 7_.“

Harry's eyebrow scrunch togheter in thoght. 6 and 7 could be a street number, a jersey or- an age. The age they were when they met. At the park. He gets up and wears his slip on vans before running in the kitchen again. „I'm going out for a bit,“

„And breakfast?“

„I'll be back. Promise.“ Harry kisses his mother's cheek and grabs a piece of toasted bread, running out the door a moment later. He's not a runner by any means, but walking feels too slow this scavenger hunt Louis wants him to do.

When he comes to the park he's panting and his legs ache, but underneath a tree there's Louis favourite sweater. It's made of thick green fabric and Harry painted the back of it with with white fabric paint so it looks like an adidas logo, branding the hoodie himself. Louis absolutely loves it and for him to leave it there, for anyone to take, it makes his heart soar. He's risking losing the precious object for him. He grabs the piece of clothing and underneath, another note lays. It's blue ink on pink paper and Louis' chicken writing tells him „ _We played pirates togheter in this very park and you scratched your knee badly. I hate blood, you know it now, but back then I held your hand and held in the urge to puke. I'd do anything for you_.“ Harry bites his lips at the memory. It hurt so much and there was a lot of blood, but he held his hand tight and didn't let go until Jay fixed it. On the back of the note, there's another clue. „I _'ve eaten tons of bad food, but that stomach ache is the one I'll never forget_.“ It clicked immediately for Harry, he was talking about the cafeteria food they tried at the primary school. It wasn't exactly close, a fifteen minute walk, so he walked towards the building quickly, reminiscing the memory. They ate meatballs and spaghetti which tasted a little funny at first, spicy and too salty, the stomach ache came an hour later, and it was the worst pain Harry'd ever felt.

The school is closed, of course, but there's a note attacched to the main door, yellow paper and black marker. Harry's really enjoyimg this. „ _This is a painful and sweet memory all at once. I don't want all of our memories to become bittersweet like that because I'm one massive idiot, so I'm saying sorry this way_.“ On the other side, the clue talks about the football field near the church. Harry sighs because that's another twenty minute walk until he sees Louis' bike parked by the door. „ _Oh and becuse it's hot as fuck, use my bike please!!_ “ It's becoming harder and harder to stay mad at him. Even though he broke his heart. There, not it's easier

A short bike ride later Harry finds himself in the centre of the pitch. There's Louis' favourite football with a note taped on the top. „ _You choose to spend your afternoons playing footie with me because I was too shy to try alone.. The truth is I'm too scared to live my life alone, so I hope you can still stay by me_.“ Harry asks himself in which dynamic does he want them to stay side by side for the rest of their lives, but pushes the thought away at the next clue. „ _The place where we had our first date. And where I fucked up_.“ Iceland. The place Harry went on a practice date before Louis' real first date. The first time he tried the Merry Berry Blast milkshake.. Their secret place, with the stained booth and the ripped menù, which they didn't need anyways since they can recite it, review it and rank it by now. Harry climbs on the bike, hoodie tied around his waist and football tucked under his arm and he took off. His muscles now aching from strain but he doesn't stop until he sees the familiar building. Panting, he gets inside, the cold aircon welcoming his overheated body. „Harry, dear! Sit down at your booth please!“ Mandy, the waitress him and Harry have known for years, and are now on first name basis with, leads him to the usual booth. Harry sits down and lets himself breathe for a minute. There's no note on or underneath the table, but Harry knows this is the right place. This is where Louis broke his heart almost three weeks ago. There's a pang in his chest at the memory, the feeling of betrayal spreading little by little. „Here you go.“ Mandy puts a Merry Berry Blast milkshake in front of him, a piece of paper taped to the cold glass. It's getting wet so Harry quickly takes it. „Your friend's a keeper, by the way,“ she smiles and walks away.

This note is white, plain thin paper with pink writing, „ _You've been with me through thick and thin and never once complained. You helped me realise who I truly was. And I took it all for granted. Let me fix it now_.“ On the back, the clue is pretty self-explanatory, „ _The place we kissed in last_.“

Harry stays in Iceland for twenty minutes, sipping at his milkshake and getting multiple brain freezes as he recollects his thoughts. Logically, there should be Louis in his garden when he comes back. And they'll talk. And he'll either lose his best friend or finish the day with a boyfriend. He decides there's no way he's staying in a friendship with Louis, it would hurt too much. When there's only two fingers left of his drink, which is basically melted already, he goes to the cash register to pay for his drink. „Louis' treat,“ Mandy explains. „Thank you, Mandy,“ he smiles at her and gets on Louis' bike again, riding back to his house.

His parents' car is gone, and Harry remembers his mother saying Robin has a late shift. Usually when she' not working, Anne Styles goes on long walks or visits her friends, so he doubts she's home too. He gets inside using his key and leaves Louis' football by the door. Gemma is laying on the couch when he walks by the living room, „Louis' in the garden.. he's been waiting for half an hour.“

„Yeah uh, I'm- I'm going.“ Harry nods, making his way towards the back door.

„I'm going to see Eliott, if mum comes home tell her I'm with Tina, okay?“ So she's planing to visit her boyfriend, leaving Louis and him alone.

Harry nods again and says bye to his sister before opening the door. Louis is indeed there, sitting on the steps with his head hanging low between his collarbones. He's wearing a black tank top Harry knows has the Nirvana logo in front, having it seen many times. His back is sweaty, the sun glaring on his shoulders. He's missed him. „Louis.“

He turns around quickly and smiles nervously, „Harry. You've found all the notes.“

„I did,“ he raises a hand that's clutching the coloured pieces of paper. „Quite the trip you made me do.“

„I'm sorry.“ Louis says, getting up so he's level with Harry. „Let mme just say.. I denied being gay for the longest time, too afraid of people would think but in reality.. what I was really afraid of was what _I_ was thinking, the relationship I had with myself.“ His voice softens a little, getting intertwined with emotions. „You were gone and I called Cal, his cousins from Birmingham were in town and this older guy flirted with me and then we got high and I found myself between his knees and all I can remember is thinking about you. I- I'm sorry. Sorry I didn't stop to think about your feelings because I was too caught up in mine.. Sorry I haven't let you love me.“

„I didn't want to push you before, because I knew you wouldn't accept yourself and I.. I didn't want to.. hurt you. But I have to say it now, I'll wear my heart on my sleeve and say it. I'm in love with you, Louis. And I don't want us to walk around the problem here. So tell me now,“ Harry sighs, „Tell me if you want me or you don't. I can't be your friend anymore.“

„I don't wanna be your friend.“ Louis tells him. „But I- I don't know how to do this whole thing. I know it should come naturally.. it doesn't for me. It will be a wild ride.“

„No one knows how to love the first time. But we can- we can learn togheter.“

His best friend smiles softly, stepping closer. „I'd like that. Just another first to add to the list, yeah?“ he smiles softly. „Kiss me now?“

Harry's still confused, he doesn't know what they are and what they'll be but he can't bring himself to care this very moment. He might hurt even more later but Louis' arms are sneaking around his body, sitting on his hips and he's bringing him closer with one quick motion. He'll let himself thing later, now, their lips touch and it's the most natural kiss they've had in since the start of this mess. Their bodies, now accostumated to each other, roll in a silently agreed rythm and the kiss flows from a chaste to a lustful one. „I think I'm in love with you too,“ Louis whispers when their lips detach for a moment. That's all Harry needs to do what he dies next.

„Come up to my room.“ He whispers, turning and grabbing his hand quickly. They get inside and up the stairs to Harry's room, the bed still unmade from the morning. They fall onto it and kiss feverishly for a few minutes, barely stopping for air. On one of those ten seconds breaks Harry takes off Louis' tank top, “I want to have sex.“ Louis stops to breathe in and out. „If you're okay with that,“

„Yeah but.. Can you b- Can you.. bottom?“ he asks, „I'm not ready for that yet..“

The younger one nods. „Yes, sure, of course,“ he gets his own t-shirt off. Their sweaty torosos touch as they kiss again, Louis deliberately grinding down on Harry's crotch. „I.. I have lube. But not a condom,“

„Is it safe?“ Louis whispers.

„I think so.. We're not ill, right? Well I.. I'm not.“

„I'm not either..“ he slides Harry's basketball shorts down his tan thighs. „First I have to- to stretch you, right?“

_This is already so awkward_ , Harry thinks. „Lou.. do what feels best, don't think about whatever porn you've watched,“ he knows he's right when Louis cheeks flush a pretty shade of pink. „Go witht the flow.. And I'll stop you if I'm not okay with it.“ Louis nods and takes Harry's boxers off, freeing his half hard penis. They kiss again while the older boy's hands roam down, reaching his cock. „Fuck..“ he moans as Louis' fingers close around the hot flesh. He moves his wrist up and down slowly, driving him crazy.

Things pick up in pace when Harry moans out he needs to do _it_ now and opens his bedside cupboard to grab a half empty bottle of lube. „You like to have fun, huh?“ Louis jokes, earning a swat on the chest. He gets naked too before coating one finger and starting the stretching process. „Fuck, this hurts more than when I do it,“ Harry breathes out.

„You finger yourself?“ the brunette raises an eyebrow. He's slowly moving his finger, pushing it in until the knuckles touch the peritoneum and out until there's barely the pad inside. „That's so hot, H,“

„Fuuuck,“ he shouts when he feels the pressure of two fingers. Louis stops for a second and looks up to his eyes, a silent question swimming in them. „I'm okay.. I'm- okay. Wriggle them..“

Louis does so, scissoring them inside his canal. There's a lot of pressure and pain until the pad of one of his partner's fingers touches the bundles of nerves and he kicks out a leg moaning out. „There! Right there!“

„Your prostate?“ Louis tries to find it again and when he does and it makes Harry kick his leg out again, he smirks. „Ready for a third?“

„Yeah but- fuuck.. Keep the stimulus there, please,“ The third finger hurts like a bitch, the pressure almost unbearable and Harry can feel his dick soften a bit. „Keep going, I'm okay,“

„Are you sure, baby?“ Harry swoons at the pet name and nods, even more determined. Eventually, he gets used to the burning stretch and after ten minutes of writhing and painful whimpers he feels ready enough for _it_ to happen.

Louis lubes himself up and look straight into his eyes, „I love you, Harry. And I promise _this_ is the last time I hurt you.“

„I love you too,“ he breathes out, trying to relax and loosen up as to make the whole thing easier. „Go slow at first.“

He feels the head slowly enter and there's a lot of pressure before actual pain. It feels like the stretch will split him in two but he breathes slowly and tries not to tighten up. Louis brings his hand up to his face, the thumb collecting a tear while he balances his weight on the other forearm. He kisses him slowly trying to take the pain away – it works, only slightly. „You're so good..“ he whispers, stopping midway, „And you feel amazing.“

It takes him a couple of minutes before he's able to move again, and the pain is still there, but Louis' hitting his prostate just right and with the friction his soft tummy provides his cock, it's enough stimulation to keep his lust going. They kiss and whisper kind and loving words in each other's ears. Louis lasts a whopping six minutes and right when he's about to come he grabs Harry's face, giving him a kiss that holds more than thousand words. Harry feels warm inside as Louis rides out his orgasm, lips still attached. When he pulls out, careful to do it slow, Harry feels his hole burn before Louis takes him in his mouth. „Fuck, baby,“ he grabs his hair, afraid he'll pull away. Louis bobs his head up and down his lenght, sucking at the top and relaxing his jaw and the bottom. „I love you so muuuch-„ he whines out before coming all over Louis' – who promptly pulled away – face. The boy wipes his face with the bed sheet before climbing up and laying next to him on the bed.

Harry cuddles up to him, a soft pout on his lips from the pain between his thighs. „You know.. It's nice to have a friend,“ Harry tenses. They're _still_ only friends? God, he's such an idiot. He shouldn't have done this, Louis is not ready. „ _It's nice to have a friend_ , but having your best friend being a lover..that's nicer.“ He squeezes him closer.

Harry smiles. Yeah, it's really nice.


End file.
